Ok… it is time for another article about dealing with matters of the heart. What I will write about is above all else a list for me. It is therefore my subjective list and is by no means exhaustive and rather a work in progress. Writing this down helps me to process some of the thoughts that are not completely clear and it serves as a reminder. Because, matter of fact, several elements I am going to mention are things I sometimes struggle with.
However, I also write it hoping that you will either find comfort in knowing that many people go through this or that you will find something of interest that you didn’t reflect about yet. So, if you feel that some of the points resonate with you or they helped you to see things from a different angle or more clearly, I’d be happy if you leave me a message =). Furthermore, if you have other tips and tricks, don’t hesitate to share them with me.
Although I do feel way better on average, and with average I mean the ratio of good to not so good days and also the ratio of good hours to not so good hours during a day, there are still days which are difficult for me to handle. Especially the last week was not really great. This is also the reason why I felt the need to write about it again.
Since a couple of days, I think more often about my ex-girlfriend again and with it a reanimated desire to write her. However, simultaneously, I started to ask myself questions that are not related to her but might impact the way I feel.
The number one question is whether it is really the broken heart that makes me feel this way or whether it is the fact that I am still not too happy with my current life situation. Especially, when it comes to what I do. Yes, I am already doing quite a few things to change it very soon and I also try to remind myself of it, but when it comes to this I am impatient. The reason why I am impatient is that I feel that I man far away from where I would like to be. I’d already wanted to have children and I am worried that I won’t have my own children because I cannot get over my ex and am therefore reluctant to start something new, or that it will take so long until I find the “right” partner or that I won’t find anyone anymore. I am also aware that those scenarios are rather dire because I am currently in a not too hopeful state. But to conclude the question, yes, I do think that my general dissatisfaction leads my brain to return to those happy moments we shared. I also realize that when I feel good and balanced that I don’t have those thoughts.
The next question is also one I had to ask myself and is still something I need to discover more: Who are you and what do you enjoy doing. I am pretty sure about who I am although even here I learn new things about myself. But the part with what I enjoy doing is something that is at times difficult. Yes, I am interested in a lot of things, but there are only a few things I know I enjoy doing. What does this have to to with a broken heart you might ask? I think that if I create a life which I love, it will be very difficult for someone else to completely break my heart and that I am left in a position I have been not too long ago.
In addition, when you found out what you are truly passionate about then have the courage to go in this direction. Even if you previously took a different path on which you already traveled quite far. Just change direction, no matter how small your steps are. Maybe you can reduce your work hours a bit to have more time for your passion and your goal. This is what I did. What definitely helps with it is when you have a strong support network. Tell people what you want to do and ask them for support and only pick those people who are truly supporting you. Also, ask for help if you need it.
Also, a classic: Do I love myself? Since two weeks I added to my daily meditation routine compassion meditation. I listened to guided meditations on loving kindness, compassion, joy, equanimity and tong-len. When I started it those sessions where quite emotional but I felt great afterwards. I was also able for the very first time to show the level of understanding and compassion which I have for others for myself, which is very nice and helpful in healing myself. Also, it really helps to be more patient with myself. Which is a kind of self-compassion. Moreover, it is okay to sad. Those feelings want to be heard and need to be heard and not bottled-up.
There is a line in a song from a German musician Casper which can be translated into “don’t play with hearts or those who play with yours. That is something I also keep in mind. Both ways. But again, don’t be too judgmental with yourself. As long as you don’t intentionally hurt anyone, you should cut yourself some slack. Yes, you might hurt others, but as long as you learn from the mistakes you did everything you can.
What I also try to do is to be aware of what triggers those thoughts. And I am getting better at recognizing that there are ups and downs. It is more or less a form of expectation management and helps me to say more quickly that it is okay and it will pass because there will be brighter days, too.
And it is okay if you are currently not ready for someone new. But what I also tell myself is to be at least open for the possibility. Moreover, it is important to actively detach yourself from your ex. Again, something I need to tell myself.
What helps me most, besides the compassion meditations, is to be active. With this I mean that I actively work on my goals and projects. Whenever I work on my own project, I feel uplifted and energized, and I realize that I feel not so good when I didn’t work on it. Even if it is just for a day.
Something I know helps but I struggle with is to be angry. Anger helps to go through those stages of suffering. And as long as you don’t do anything stupid, it is really good to move on.
Okay this was a rather long article. I hope you liked it…
Take care and have a wonderful day, Stephan
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