I started this blog as a project. And although this project is not over, I will start another one. One goal of this blog was to help me process my thoughts and feelings, and in turn, help me to reach the state of mind I already had, and I’d like to have more frequently again. This state is one of pure harmony and balance. It is a state in which I feel energized, and I can enjoy life to the fullest. Unfortunately, it’s been a while since I have that state on a regular basis. Sure, there are good days, but it’s not the same. Moreover, I feel that I constantly hit a wall. Or no, that is not the right image. It feels like I climb some steps, but then I slip, and I fall back ten more than I have climbed before.
And with each fall, it feels like I lose a little bit more of the joy of life. It puzzles and worries me. That is why I start a new project. In the next year, I will try everything to reach that state again. I am careful not to write to be the old Stephan again, because I know I changed and I acknowledge this change. I learned a lot and I definitely grew as a human being.
I will try to write as openly as possible about what I will do and the effects it will have. A part of me (a very loud and strong part) wants to share everything with you. However, there is also a voice that begs me to be cautious, because being to open can have unwanted consequences. So, I’ll try to find a good mix.
Let me start with that I will see several people to figure out if they can help me. On my list is also a mindfulness retreat, but right now, being alone for a week or more, just with my thoughts, might be not an overly good idea. At least I have a plan.
Although I might not write about everything in public, I am still open to have a chat or a call, in case you want to talk. I like to engage with you, even if it is just for a brief conversation.
It is weird to know that life has so much beauty to offer and also to know where to look for it, but not being able to change those thoughts. It is my task now to change it. I know that I won’t be able to do it alone. It is something I think about often recently. I “know” that I should do more things with friends and family, but in the same time my instinct is to withdraw. I thought about flowers or animals who make themselves small or go into hiding when they have been attacked or hurt. I wonder whether it is the same instinct and whether it is a healthy one. However, I also see the risk to alienate other people again and that I might get to comfortable being alone.
Sorry for that somewhat downer of an article, I hope there will be more positive ones in the near future. Thank you for reading this.
Take care, Stephan