36 Questions to fall in love – VIII

I think it is only fair that you get to know me a little bit better to understand how I think and how my brain works in order to put my writings into perspective and to draw your own conclusions. This is why I, once about every ten days, answer one of the questions from the New York Times question series: 36 Questions – How to fall in love.

If you want to start at the very beginning, you can find question 1 here.

And if you just missed the last answer to question 7, you can find it here.

 

Question #8 reads as follows:

“Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.”

 

This is the only question I skipped to answer later on. It was the 31st of December when this question was due, but I continued with number nine. I can remember this day quite well. I was in Berlin but alone and quite sick. I was hoping that later the following year, I’ll be able to answer this question.

However, I can’t. It is the only question I cannot answer, and I also don’t want to pick something else to write about what we might have in common. So, I will use this article to reflect a bit on my “love-journey” since I started this blog. Unfortunately, my situation didn’t really change that much. What do I mean by that?

During the last couple of days, I relapsed a little. I managed to not write her for 5 weeks, but Sunday I wrote her again. Nothing big and nothing desperate, just a “I hope you and your family are doing great and that everything is going well for you”. I don’t expect a reply. It was just a mail to show her that I am still there. Probably that was wrong or too early or both. I thought about that I am still in the same situation but that is not true. Firstly, we don’t have any contact anymore. Secondly, I am not desperately writing her messages how much I miss her. Sure, I miss her, but my brain is getting better at showing me that I am worthy enough and when she doesn’t write it means she doesn’t want and doesn’t value the contact with me. I say that with an understanding for her and I am not mad at her. It was difficult.

However, I wished it would be easier to move on. I had exactly one date and that didn’t go well. I created a Tinder profile, I deleted it again, I created a profile and deleted it again. Right now, I have no profile because I don’t think it is fair to date someone else, if your heart is occupied. And I am also not looking for anything quick or without commitment.

These days I actually think about getting some help with that. But I don’t know what or how yet. I know it still entwines other parts of my life. Not as badly as in the past, but still enough that I notice it. In March we broke up what looks like for good. Am I to impatient? And why cannot I not be angry? Okay that is not completely true. I felt anger. But this was mainly due to feeling helpless and not being able to accept the situation. But I cannot be angry with her. Maybe that is a downside of trying to understand everyone and everything. It is easy to neglect what has happened because you “think you know” the reasons why things happened the way they did.

It was and still is a little bit disillusioning. I hoped I’d be in a different situation at the end of this year of writing a blog. Sure, there are also things that are way better, but probably you know it too, the things that are not going well seem bigger and take more space in your life and head.

Thank you for listening/reading.

Take care, Stephan

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