Musings on Love – XI

A couple of days ago, I saw the Netflix specials from Daniel Sloss who is a Scottish comedian. If I remember correctly those shows are called “Dark” and “Jigsaw”. But what does this have to do with love?

In his second show, he speaks about the meaning of life and that he asked his dad this question when he was young. His dad explains that life is like a jigsaw-puzzle only that we don’t have the box, so we cannot see how it will look like in the end. He says more about that, but the key part is when he says that the part in the middle is your partner. Daniel Sloss has some problems with that, because it means that we need someone else to make our life complete.

He said that his show led to 72 couples breaking up. Yesterday, I watched a video in which he said that now that you can watch it online there are more than a 1000 people who broke up after watching this show. I can understand why. So, this should be a warning. Think about watching this with your partner. I don’t say you shouldn’t but maybe it is a good idea to watch it first on your own.

This is the point where I encourage to first watch this show (Jigsaw). I know it is unlikely that you return to a blog article once you already started reading it, but there are two reasons why I ask you to stop and watch it first. A) If I tell more about what he said the lengths of the article will suffice to stop reading after a while, because it is just too long. And b) I want you to think and reflect about what he said and don’t just read my opinion. It is a topic I am in no means an expert and everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt.

From here on, I expect that you watched it =).

I am a bit torn. Yes, I do believe and agree that we should be able to love ourselves without needing someone else to do the job for us. And I also think there is a kernel of truth when he says that some of us didn’t manage to live on their own long enough to really be able to discover who we are and what we like. He also said that we once we realize that our partner might not be the best person for us we basically have two questions to ask. Can we admit that the previous time with that person was a waste? Or will we grind our teeth and stick with the person for the rest of our lives?

Here I like to argue. I don’t think that we have to admit that the previous time was a waste. I bet there was a reason why you came together, and I also bet that you learned a lot and you had wonderful moments. That is not a waste of time. Sure, you might figure out that you developed into a different direction, but you can still be grateful for the time you had.

He also said that it is unfair when someone doesn’t love me for who I am. Including all my flaws and oddities. That it is unfair if you just love the idea of a person and you are unhappy if the person doesn’t live up to that ideal. Again, there is some truth to this, too. Nobody is perfect, and it would be unfair towards your partner if you only love him/her because of the potential he/she has. Or how you see the two of you in the future. Nevertheless, I can understand why you want to change some aspects of the other person. But you also need to be okay if the person doesn’t want to change. That’s maybe a question you should ask yourself in the beginning. Or after three months when the honeymoon phase is over: Can I love this person for all times even when he/she stays exactly like he/she is now?

And yes, there are only few couples who could also be happy when both of them would be single, because they love themselves sufficiently. Many couples have at least one person who is at least partially at odds with him-/herself. But does this mean we should encourage this person to remain single until he/she finally started to fully accept and love him-/herself? I want to say no. Life is difficult. Each of us is a unique and complex individual. We don’t have all the answer and maybe someone else can help with carrying that burden of life a little bit. I know from my own experience how difficult it can be to be alone and to feel that you need to carry everything on your own shoulders. I don’t say that you should stop to work towards loving yourself. I think that is a lifelong task, especially when we are in a relationship.

I don’t know. What do you think? 

 

Take care, Stephan

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