Where to start? What I am about to write is still vague and fuzzy. I hope that writing about it will bring more clarity. So, please bear with me again =).
It started more than a year ago when Tanya and I broke up. I fell into a hole and I wasn’t myself. I thought a lot about this and why I do the things I do and why I feel the way I feel. I think I am quite good at analyzing situations and myself, but something was still missing. A truth that was hidden from me. That is what I admire authors so much. They have the power to describe feelings and situations in a unique way. In a way that can help me to put a name to my struggles. Maybe they are just wise, or maybe their talent is to weave issues that effect all of us into a story that helps us to understand our own struggles. Probably it is both. I will tell you at the end which book I am referring to.
I think that more than a year ago, I died. Well, at least a part of me. I think now that this happens to many when they lose someone dear to them. Yes, it was “just” a breakup, and I know that losing a person to death is a whole different story. I don’t want to compare. I just want to say that it can leave a huge scar. For a long time, I was sitting on the edge of a cliff or I was feeling like being in a cell with no way out and no hope to get out. Sitting on the edge, I was staring into a void where before there was something else. And something disappeared with the creation of that void. A part of me died.
I tried to fight it, but I still felt that I am not the same person. Not completely different, but still not the same. Sure, hardships will change all of us inevitably. But I could not see it and I could not and did not want to accept it. Now, seeing this, can I let the “old” Stephan die? That’s the point I am at now. Well, maybe I already did and just realizing it now. I don’t know. It still feels strange. I liked the old Stephan with his hopes to have a family with Tanya and living happily ever after. But I guess that Stephan needed to die. He needed to die to make room for something else. What this will be I don’t know yet. I have an idea and I am in the process of positioning myself, but it is still foggy.
I feel different and that is strange. I think I need to get used to this new me. Maybe this is why it took me so long. I was still fighting the new me. With that feeling comes an understanding and the realization that I have the freedom of choice. To speak in images again: I broke like a vase and now I can rearrange the pieces to create something new, something more beautiful. However, it is still not totally clear what this means for me. And you might say what a wonderful realization. The truth is that it hurts. I mean come one have some sympathy I died 😛 . But seriously, it is not a feeling of relief. Maybe this will come. Maybe it is just too fresh. But the good thing is that it doesn’t feel wrong. I could have written that it feels right to have a more positive wording, but this wouldn’t be the truth. So, I am content with not feeling wrong for now.
The book that led me to this thought process is the third volume of the Riyria Revelations by Michael J. Sullivan – Heir of Novron. In this book there are a lot of situations when the characters are faced with loss. It can be very emotional book to read, especially if you have been through something similar. But it is also a beacon of hope. It is not easy to read, but the words used in this book can give understanding and comfort. I am grateful for the author, and I plan on writing him a mail to let him know.
I hope this made at all sense to you.
Take care, Stephan