Last year and still some days now, I ask myself the question who am I doing it for? As you might know, the last year was not the best year of my life and it was also the reason why I started writing this blog. I felt as if I don’t have any reason to live for. Not in a suicidal way of thinking but still a bit surrendering. It is still not the best state of mind to be in. I think it is related to being afraid of the future. All those question seemed to overwhelm me. What is your goal in life? How should my life look like? What do you want to be known for? And so on. But I actually never asked myself the question: Who am I doing it for?
Maybe I touched this question on the surface. But it stopped right there. The only thing that kept coming to my mind was I am doing this for my ex-girlfriend. But this was the dependency speaking. I wanted to be the best possible version of myself for her. That she keeps loving me. That I am not abandoned. That I don’t need to face the demons waiting for me when I feel lonely (Here is already a distinction, I wanted to write when I am lonely but I am not. I have friends and my family and I “only” feel lonely because I confuse what being loved means).
But I didn’t want to be the best possible version for myself. That is telling. I mean I like myself and I think I have plenty of good qualities. But I struggle with saying I love you to myself. But it is starting to change again. It seems the curtain is being raised. I start to see more clearly again. That is why I was finally able to ask myself: Why I am not doing this for myself?
I do a lot for other people and I try to help to the best of my abilities. But it is also time to thinking more about myself again. Not in a “I need, I want, give me” but in a “what can I do for myself” kind of way. Moreover, I raised the question out of pure realism. If there is no one else to do it for then the only person left is me.
My job is to enjoy my life either with a partner or not. It is not about being selfish and not thinking about others. That’s not the man I want to be and I am quite confident I never will be. Today, I watched a comedy special and I laughed so hard I cried. I remembered other memories when I was that happy. I mean I don’t need to constantly laugh and walk around smiling. That is not sustainable and I also see the value in being thoughtful and at times sad. But it is all about the balance again.
Maybe you can find yourself in this story. Maybe you also ask yourself for what am I doing all of this? Why not doing this for yourself? And then comes the question: What I am currently doing, do I really enjoy this? Would this be something I would do to reward myself or that helps me to find a life of bliss and balance? It is okay to think about yourself. When you are content with your life, you can do even more good for others =).