36 Questions to fall in love – XXV

I think it is only fair that you get to know me a little bit better to understand how I think and how my brain works in order to put my writings into perspective and to draw your own conclusions. This is why I, once about every ten days, answer one of the questions from the New York Times question series: 36 Questions – How to fall in love.

If you want to start at the very beginning, you can find question 1 here.

And if you just missed the last answer to question 24, you can find it here.

Question #25 reads as follows:

Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling…”

Well, that is difficult. Writing as we would have one of two effects. One, people might start to think I am going crazy, developing several personalities. But I am not worried about that. I asked and 6 out of 8 voices in my head state I am in no real danger of going crazy =). And two, people could think that I have my head in the clouds and that this is the first signal of my impending announcement of declaring myself king. 5 out of 8 voices in my head say that this is more likely.

So, let me try to answer it in the only way I can. Writing true “I” statements.

The first true “I” statement is that I have problems to move on. It is not so much about wishing for earlier times and that everything that has happened didn’t. That would be foolish. I know that everything has the power to be learning moment and even though I struggled and had a hard time, I know I needed to go through it. For me it is more about being able to close this chapter. I am afraid I will never have contact with her in my life again. I managed to be okay with this in the past. This means I am capable of doing it again. Right now, the truth is that I cannot see this point yet.

The second true “I” statement is that I need to change something about work. I am good at what I am doing and there are days when I enjoy the work I do. But those days are mainly ones when I can learn something new, apply new knowledge, or be creative. Those are also the days when I have meaningful conversations with colleagues. I consider it a warning sign when I think about how much I could already save and how long this would allow me to take a break and don’t work. And there are days when I think about this. I know that this void I am feeling permeates other areas of my life. It moves finding out what to do next into a shadow, which makes it hard for me to see it clearly. I have a grasp, but it is not tangible enough.

What I try is to let my mind settle. At the moment, there are many days when I shut my work laptop and ask myself: “and now what?”. Yes, I still have my blog to write, but this doesn’t really feel like making progress. Who knows, maybe it does, but it doesn’t feel like it. So, I want to see what my mind has to tell me. But I can only hear it once the noise has been calmed and my mind quelled.

The third true “I” statement is that I am stronger than I often think. Despite those valleys and especially the last six months of last year, I was still able to do a good job which ended in a promotion. I was still capable of listening to others and try to find solutions together. Even during days when I asked myself “what for?”, I managed to get up and get through this day the best I could. Although I feel like despairing at times, I move on.

Get your partner or a friend and think about what three true “We” statements you can make.

Stephan

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