Poem: Tanya

This is a poem I wrote for Tanya a little while ago. I wrote in another entry, that I deleted all pictures and texts from her to not be reminded of her and to be able to let go some day. However, I cannot delete this poem. I wrote it in 2016, after we got back together. I still feel the same emotions reading it now, as I had when writing it. I write so much about her, so you can get some background. I am not sure what she would say reading it here, but that’s unlikely, as she doesn’t follow this block and maybe visited it twice in 7+ months. The sad thing is, that I lost her in the end.


Back in December 2011, I remember exactly when I walked through the door

There was this girl and it was special, and I wanted to know more, or let’s say I was hoping for

To get to know her. I asked myself: who is she? Her eyes and her smile fascinated me.

This girl was you Tanya and I like to think back to that day

I enjoyed the whole time while trying to suppress that you are so far away

Okay, what else can I say?

Working with you was a blast and from the beginning it made click

2 days and the conference will be over… That thought made me sick

I remember when we kissed for the very first time

I was so happy I wanted to scream to the world that you are mine Let our love shine that everyone can see it, smell it, hear it

When I came home my head was spinning around you, I missed you

These feelings were difficult to cope with, but they were true, and I was so glad that you flew

Back home from Berlin. This day was beautiful. I see us in the museum and in the café sitting together

You walked close by my side because it was rainy weather

When you left the only question I had was: when will I see you again?

Skyping to you kept me alive back then and when

I visited you I was so nervous. Not knowing are we just friends

It was a while since we saw us, and it was difficult to sense

But then the bridge… it is a moment I will never forget

Here people go to kiss that’s what you said and all of a sudden, my head

Was empty. Only the butterflies in my stomach distracted me from the one thought: you

Right now, I am sitting here writing these lines and thinking back to that time makes me smile

And after I returned, just a little while

Later you came to me. I was so happy. I thought this is how happy I could ever be

Our conversations… so intelligently.

Touching you, feeling you, smelling you. I crave that till this very moment

My feelings were like a storm and

Then it was over. I was lost.

It was like winter was coming and with it the frost

And like something cold that fall to the ground my heart broke into 1000 pieces

I tried to distract myself, to lock away all my feelings but I couldn’t

I wanted to write with you and although I knew I shouldn’t

I did

After a long time, I thought I locked my feelings for you in a tiny cell in my brain that I will never find again even if I look for it and we began writing again

The day we saw each other via skype was as if this feeling wants to break out of its cell.

Knocking on the wall, screaming but I hid it. I told myself I am over you

Looking back, I was such a fool and deep inside I knew…

These feelings for you never went away not to that day and probably will never

I mean you are beautiful, funny and clever. You are the greatest woman ever!

And I hope we will end up together but if not…

Well, I don’t know but I am willing to invest a lot,

you mean so much to me that I don’t want to waste my shot

I am grateful for our conversations and that we can speak about everything

So, what will the future bring?

And can you remember what I said in the skype back then?

No matter the outcome but I want to never lose you again!


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