I think it is only fair that you get to know me a little bit better to understand how I think and how my brain works in order to put my writings into perspective and to draw your own conclusions. This is why I, once about every ten days, answer one of the questions from the New York Times question series: 36 Questions – How to fall in love.
If you want to start at the very beginning, you can find question 1 here.
And if you just missed the last answer to question 18, you can find it here.
Question #19 reads as follows:
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
The short answer is a definite yes.
The long answer is about what I would change and why.
The first thing I would do is to quit my job. This already raises the question why I didn’t do it yet? There are some reasons, the main one is the need for security. It is something enshrined deeply within me. I am working with it, but this feeling is still strong. Why would I quit? One of my main drivers in life is helping others. Developing trainings definitely qualifies for that purpose, as it helps people make their lives at work easier.
However, I feel that I lack a vital part in finding this work meaningful. Actually, there are two things. Firstly, with my current job, I cannot help people with their real problems. Understanding who they are, why they behave the way they do and to make sense of all of this. I don’t claim to be an expert in those matters myself, but I think I have a talent in understanding things and figuring out together with others. Secondly, I miss being truly creative. Without being limited by certain standards or templates. I love to come up with concepts, agendas, methods, or workshops. Combining this talent with my curiosity to understand and my motivation to help would be what I will strive for during those last 365 days.
I would meet all of my friends at least once for a couple of days to have a long conversation about life and to just enjoy spending time together. Probably also getting wasted =). The last memory of me should be one that helps remember both sides of me. The introspective, quite man, who loves to read and to talk about what is going on inside us, and the funny man, who likes to dance, makes jokes about himself, and loves to have fun.
I would also spend more time close to my family. I’d like to spend more time with my nephew. I know why this is. I’d also love to have a child and see him or her raised. I’d love to create stories which I can tell him or her and read all kind of stories for him/her. I also would spend a lot of time just patiently watching what he/she is doing. Not in a helicopter parenting way, but to see how my child is discovering the world with his/her own eyes, hands, feed, and mouth.
Maybe, I’d try to find a woman I can fall in love with again. Maybe this would be enough time to father a child. Although I don’t know why this would be important to me. I mean, the world is a beautiful place. However, there are many things that are difficult, and putting a child into this world without having a father might be another burden on him/her. Maybe it is my wish that something, a part of me, lives on within my child.
Each day, I would ask myself if that is what I want to be doing. A question I should ask myself more often. Answering this question points in the direction I need to go to live a fulfilled life. Now, I only need to find the courage to do so.
What would you change?
Have a wonderful day and take care!