This entry might be a bit confusing, so please bear with me.
At the moment, I reflect a lot about my situation and how to handle everything. One morning, I woke up having two words in mind: Trust and Fear, and how both are used to create a feeling of control in our lives.
In general, life is messy. We have to deal with a lot of uncertainty, which we normally don’t really like. Every change is accompanied by uncertainty. It is no wonder that companies know about the importance of change management. A usual way of gaining some control (or the illusion of it) is by planning. When I sit down to meditate, most of my thoughts have something to do with planning. Where will I eat dinner? What do I still need to buy? What tasks do I still need to finish before date X? And on and on and on.
Today, I want to write about two other approaches, namely: Trust and Fear. Although you could say that planning can be strongly connected with fear, it is different from both. I regard planning as a first level of handling uncertainty. On the next level, I see trust and fear.
Let’s talk about Fear first.
I realized that during the last couple of month most of my actions where guided by fear. I didn’t want to lose my girlfriend, and I was uncertain what I can do about it, so my actions came from a position of being anxious and not from a position of strength (which would mean I trust in myself and that it will play out how it is supposed to). I was holding on to the past and I had a very tight grip on life, hoping that we can go back to how it was. So, my reaction to change was to not change at all. That is rather difficult when the only constant in life is change.
Fear also impacted other parts of my life. I was like a rabbit caught in headlights. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t change. And I lost a lot of strength and energy. I once wrote that fear is a terrible guide. Now, I realize the meaning of this more than ever before. It tempts us to first think irrational thoughts, and then do irrational things. And in the process, we lose ourselves. I don’t want to argue that sometimes fear can be very helpful, for example in a life-threatening situation. However, most of the time, fear covers our true selves.
On the opposite, there is Trust.
To trust in yourself and in life is way more complicated and difficult, than it is to go by fear. It requires a certain internal balance, self-confidence, optimism. In addition, sometimes an I-don’t-give-a-f**k-attitude can be very helpful as well =).
For me, trust equals strength. Actually, if you are able to trust, you don’t really have the urgency to control life. But rather, you have peace of mind. In a sense, it is giving up control to gain control. How does it look like? For example, I could give myself and my ex-girlfriend time. If we find a way back, I’d be happy, but if we don’t, I’d be happy, too. I would work on being myself and designing a life that makes me happy. I would work towards my goals without being impatient and wanting to force something. I would trust myself and the person I am. I would trust that every experience will teach me something, which will help me to grow.
I know it is easier said than done, but I don’t want to act from a position of fear anymore. I want to and I will trust myself, my skills and my talent, and as long as I keep going, I will achieve my dreams.
Have a wonderful day and take care =) …. and trust!