Musings on love – III

When is the right time to surrender?

A few days ago, I saw a video from Oprah about surrendering (you can find the video here). And although the video wasn’t about the problem I am struggling with at the moment, it gave me a spark to think and reflect: when is the right time to surrender?

There are times when the break up pains me quite a bit. Especially, because I wasn’t very good at getting away from her. I kept writing to her, because I thought that if I just do the right thing or say the right thing things will be better between us. And I suffered. Every time I thought to see a minor glimpse of hope it was crushed an instant later. Why did I still write to her you ask? There are a few reasons, but one of the main ones is hope. I am an optimist (most of the time) and when something is important to me I fight for it and I am convinced that I will be successful. As you might guess, this thought can get me into trouble. When it comes to relationships, there are always two parties involved and who am I to say what the other person should do or don’t do. But being determined can also have its benefits.

I tried everything possible for me to win her back. Maybe I should have been more patient. To give her the chance to miss me as well. And, although I stood up again and again after having my hopes crushed, I felt that with every try I lost a small piece of myself. I became a person that is not really me. I know it also has something to do with self-love, but this will be covered in other entries and is in general a whole other story.

Today was a bad day again. I reached out to her because writing to her gave me the feeling of being close to her. However, the unavoidable (???) happened and my hopes we again crushed. This time however I remembered the video and I asked myself how much more do I want to take? How long do I want to keep on suffering? Of course, I am getting better every day. But still being in contact makes the process of healing so much longer. And I told myself that I did everything that I could. I can’t say anything that I didn’t tell her. So, today I drew a final stroke. After calling my sister, I deleted her everywhere. I surrendered.

I don’t know what the future will bring. She can still reach out to me and I know that a part of me still wants her to do that. It also doesn’t feel good at the moment. I am not sure, if I did the right thing. Maybe you dear reader can share some of your wisdom with me. From now on I will trust in life again. If we manage to get back together or not, only time will tell. But I know I tried everything. Maybe it is for the best for both of us. She doesn’t have to fend off my tries to get back together and I can make room for someone else. It might take time, I know.

Let’s see what surrendering will get me.

I know this one was a rather private entry. However, I think that showing vulnerability has the power to connect us as human beings. If you face something similar or you have other problems, don’t try to deal with it all by yourself. There are always people who will lend you an open ear and open heart. It is a sign of immense strength to ask for help. Writing it down is also a way of processing it. That is why I started the blog in the first place. I can develop a habit of writing things to process my own feelings and emotions.

I want to end with a message to myself and one I invite you to borrow for yourself:

I love myself and I am worthy of loving.

 

Have a wonderful day and take care =)

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